twenty-something

in a few days time i'll be turning twenty-something. *sigh*
i don't know how to feel about it; definitely i'm in no mood for celebrating it. i just want the day to pass by like any other normal day.
twenty-something.....

flashback 9 years ago, i dreamed of this day to the very last detail, being the control freak that i am. i saw myself having the job i love-that or a small business that i own myself. i saw myself traveling and visiting every beautiful corner of the island. i am happy with friends and family. most of all, i saw myself settling down. starting my own family. *sigh*

God has a different plan for me, i know that now and i knew it as the years unfold. it just felt different now that that day is fast approaching. God has His own way of teaching me that i don't hold my life and that no matter how much i planned for something, things will never go my way. believe me, when i plan, i plan! i don't only have plan a or b, it goes up to plan c or d, after that point, that's when i panic! hehehe. :)

i was quite stubborn, it was hard to accept that nothing that i planned for was pulling through. not one bit of it. God had me corned, I know in my heart and in my head that He has the best plan for me, i know that. it is just a matter of letting go and letting Him work....complete trust and surrender is the key. i want it, i want God's best. i hate myself for being so stubborn and hard headed.

i am scared of the unknown, that's why i plan. as much as i can, i want to anticipate things so i can prepare myself how to deal with it. but God has placed me in situations and circumstances that i cannot fully prepare myself for. i'm going crazy thinking about what might or might not be.

complete trust; help me God to give my full trust in Thee. you have never failed me like everyone else did. i have failed you dozens times, yet you remain faithful. Your guiding Hand is ever present, most of all Your Love is unfailing, it is constant, unwavering, secure.

Help me, take my heart. it should belong to you. i want it to be Yours alone.

i am turning twenty-something, if there's one birthday wish that i'll be granted. it is the joy that only comes from You! That's all I want, that's all I need.